bestjnficlikeEVER
by linklover77
Summary: I tried to write a parody, and this mess was born. I actually wrote this FOREVER ago, but I just found it today while cleaning off my computer. I thought I'd put it on here because it (humorously?) touches on annoying pet peeves in this fandom. Remember, THIS IS A PARODY. I DON'T REALLY WRITE LIKE THIS. But you know what, maybe I should start... ;-)


It was day. The sun was shining. The bees were buzzing. The grass was growing. The paint was peeling. The snakes were slithering. Things were doing other things and so forth. You get the idea…

The citizens of Retroville were alive. They did things like walking and talking and laughing and playing and fighting and hitting and killing (A/N: Maybe…) and farting and dancing and fun stuffs that would go on for totes foreves until the end of the world and this sentence is NOT a run-on so shut the crap up and read this cuz it only gets better from here on out, dudes and dudettes. These people were entertaining because of their big heads and enormous hands. Don't make fun of a Retrovillian—see the word villain there? Well, it's not there. But these people will get you like they were villains.

Anyway, it was day. Retroville, a mythical place in Texas apparently, was a city. Cities are where people live. You might live in a city. You could also live in a town. On second thought, Retroville might be more of a town. Could it be a suburb? Possibly. Aren't suburbs just residential districts off to the side of a city? Hmm…maybe it's a town then.

In this town (or city, or whatever you want to call it), there lived a boy. Well, there were many boys, but if you saw the one I'm talking about, you'd know immediately that he is THE boy. It would probably just be easier if I named him, right? Okay, his name is Bolbi. Wait…that's not right. I don't think this story is supposed to be about him.

Oh, wait! Now I remember! His name is Shine! *Walks away then comes back* Sheen! Yep, this story is about Sheen. Charlie Sheen. You weren't expecting that, were you? Yeah, that's because I messed up. Again.

It's about a boy named…it starts with a J. Wait a minute…don't tell me. I think it rhymes with Timmy. Oh… *shudders* he kind of creeped me out when he was all buldgied and buck-toothified. He was totally pretending to be a genius, but it was a trick! He liked the annoying blond girl, and the boy, who this story is supposed to be about, was real mad. Well, since I can't remember his name, we'll just call him J-Timmy. I know this probably isn't even close, but we'll just pretend his name is Jimmy. (A/N: I just smashed the J with the name Timmy together.) When I finally remember his name, I'll put it in here, okay?

So Jimmy (A/N: That sounds _so_ weird!) is a boy. That's real important to remember. He liked a girl, but he also hated her. (A/N: Remember the annoying blonde girl mentioned earlier? Keep your eyes peeled for the mention of her again!) That girl was both annoying and blonde. (A/N: Did you catch it?) This blonde, annoying girl was so blonde and so annoying. (A/N: I hope you're paying attention!) I think we'll just kill her off now without any explanation/reason as to why she should die. Naw…I'll just kill off Brobot. That stupid hunk of metal deserves a bullet through his head. *Multiple bullet shots are fired* The deed is done. *Celebrates* Besides, I couldn't kill off blondie because I have a hunch she'll either be the romantic interest for the boy, they'll make out, drink kool-aid, do jumping jacks, lock their knees, etc. or the blonde will change to be a brunette. Okay, it's totally going to be the second option. When the chance to change hair color is an option, that will _always_ be the outcome. Mark my words.

So, I think this story should continue. What do you think? Oh…I really don't care. I asked that out of habit, not because I really wanted to know. So shut it and read this story. You had better review. Oh, and if you say one mean/bad comment about this story, I will find where you live and annihilate you. I hate criticism. Criticism=flamers. You guys should just die. But first, don't forget to R&R! I live for reviews because I lack any sense of self-esteem and/or self-confidence. Just one comment that says "good" will let me know that I'm the next great author! The more general reviews, the better! The less meaningful reviews, the more I know if people actually like the crap I call writing! BRING ON THE WAVE OF REVIEWS THAT ARE SURE TO COME AFTER YOU GUYS HAVE READ THIS STORY! ….Hehehe….I guess there should be a story to review. FINE! JN readers are _so_ picky! They expect a story? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?! CAN'T YOU TELL I REALLY MEAN WHAT I'M SAYING?! CAPITALIZATION RULEZ! (A/N: Yes! Rulez is totally spelled with a "z" in this story! SUCK IT!)

So, this boy…I still can't remember his name. (A/N: And I call myself a fan?) Okay, so Jimmy likes blondie but also hates her. He goes to some school and beats everybody in anything nerdy/geeky. He has a teacher that acts like a chicken. He invents stuff that usually ends in destruction. Fun life, huh? Not really, but today was going to be an excellent day for Jimmy.

He was sitting in his desk at school. The fat allergy-prone kid Jimmy called his friend sat next to him, continually muttering under his breath. Jimmy turned to face the boy, worry etched into his face like an engraving of _The Scream. _

"What's wrong, Carl?"

Carl rubbed the back of his neck so hard, heat was radiating from his gleaming red neck. Butch lifted up both hands to enjoy some of the heat. The classroom was unusually cold today.

"You know Larry the llama?"

"Your stuffed animal doll that is meant for babies?"

"Yes," Carl nervously responded. "He's missing!"

"I bet Sheen stole it. He plays with dolls." Jimmy's eyes flickered over towards a lanky, hyperactive kid who was on his desk with his pants down. "We'll ask him after class."

The two boys nodded and stared up at their deathly-old hag for a teacher. Ms. Fowl brawked a few times just for the heck of it, and then she gave an adequately average lesson on the meaning of life.

"I didn't know salami's real purpose until today," Libby, a girl that's typically depicted as unimportant and brainless, said to her smarter friend. (A/N: The annoying blonde girl mentioned earlier.)

"Neither did I," Cindy muttered as the two trailed behind their classmates out the door.

"ULTRALORD!" Sheen screamed while jumping on Cindy. His arms seductively wrapped around her. She tried to pry him off, but his lips met hers in a wet sort of way. He broke away once Libby kicked him in the crotch.

"What in the—?" Libby yelled.

"I'm a boy, and she's a girl. What's the problem?" Sheen asked as he tried to grab Cindy again. She punched him in the face, causing cracking noises to ensue and a few teeth to fall out.

"Watch it, Ultraloser! Next time, I'll break some bones!" she shook her fist angrily at Sheen. He shrugged and began to make advances on Libby.

"Get off!" she angrily cried. He continued to run his hands through her hair despite her protests. IT was too much. She couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed him by the shirt collar and pressed her lips to his. Sparks flew.

"I remember when I was in love once," Mrs. Fowl remarked as she walked past the trio.

"What happened?" Cindy asked, averting her gaze from the interlocked lovers.

"Nothing," Mrs. Fowl honestly answered as she watched Sheen and Libby for a moment. She turned to walk away and muttered something about how kids don't know how to kiss these days.

Sheen and Libby finally broke apart, and they stared at Cindy.

"What?" she asked, quickly becoming really creeped out.

"Hi guys," Carl greeted as he and Jimmy approached them.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Cindy cried as she turned her back to Sheen and Libby. "I'm so glad you two are here!"

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"Sheen is being a perv, and now Libby's turned into a slut! MAKE IT STOP!" She threw herself into Jimmy's strong, muscular, buff, well-built, chiseled (A/N: Insert synonyms for muscular here) arms, and he caught her with ease. Her huge green orbs peered into his deep blue orbs, and everyone turned their orbs to watch as Jimmy's and Cindy's orbs were connected in an orb-like way that no one else's orbs could ever manage. It was orb-tastic.

"Oh, Jimmy," she sighed as she snuggled up into his armpit. "You forgot to shower this morning."

"We didn't have hot water," he replied, his face growing closer to hers.

"That's disgusting."

"Stench is natural. When a person sweats—"

"Just kiss me already!" She peered up at him like an abandoned puppy dog.

"But I like Betty…"

"You know you like me more. Besides, Betty's a player."

"You're right. I think you're a sexy mess. I will now kiss you passionately in front of our friends."

"Bring it on."

(A/N: The kiss was so passionate, Carl cried, Libby was inspired to write a song about it, and Sheen tried to join in.)

"That. Was. Amazing," Cindy muttered as the two broke apart.

"Uh…" Carl tried to say something as he wet his pants.

"That was pretty hot. Do it again?" Sheen asked.

"Aye noo yawl haduh thang goon on," Libby remarked.

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"That was _really_ hard to understand, Libby," Cindy agreed as she let go of Jimmy to scrutinize her friend.

"Wut? Wutchoo awl sayen? Ewe callin mey doomb?" Libby countered.

"Seriously? What is going on?" Cindy looked around to see if anyone could tell her.

Sheen raised his hand. "Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!" Cindy rolled her eyes but let Sheen talk. "Libby was talking funny, Carl was peeing, you were making out with Jimmy, and I was picturing UltraLord in a…muumuu! Isn't that great?! A muumuu!" Sheen nervously laughed as he jumped up and down.

"Oh my gosh…" Jimmy trailed off.

"What is it, Jim?" Carl asked, a noticeable stain taking shape on his thighs.

"I just kissed Cindy. In public. What was I thinking?!"

"You weren't," Cindy replied. "That was grossly out of character for the both of us. Whoever came up with that bit is an idiot."

(A/N: Don't listen to her. They would totally do this, and this story is SO in character!)

"Evathank bouts yatoo gittin tagathar?"

"Really, Libby? What in the heck happened to you?"

"Don't listen to her, Libbibbity Boppitty Boo! You are so hot and sexy and hot; I don't care what they think!" He grabbed Libby and pulled her close. "But you won't really talk like that forever, right?" he quietly whispered. "If you did, I'd have to start hitting on someone else immediately."

"Aye donuts geet wut eur sayon bouts mey speeeeech. Ayem narmol, Sheen, so up shut," Libby angrily responded as she shoved him and walked away.

"Great. Not only do both Carl and Jimmy smell, but Libby's talking weird, and I'm about ready to neuter Sheen! Am I the _only_ normal one here today?" Cindy cried as she dramatically looked up to the ceiling for an answer.

"Cindy," Carl nervously began, "You did just make out with Jimmy."

'I—uh—you see—WELL YOU PEED YOURSELF, YOU IDIOT!"

"Hey! Hey!" Jimmy cried out as Carl began to cry. "NO FIGHTING!"

"You started it!" Sheen yelled.

"That makes no sense!" Jimmy yelled back.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Carl wailed.

"EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!" Cindy slapped Jimmy, then Sheen, then Carl. She then slapped Jimmy one more time.

"What the—?" he angrily asked as he rubbed his cheek.

"That's for kissing me earlier," Cindy smirked. "Okay guys, I don't know what's going on, but fighting about it isn't going to solve anything."

"By George, she's right!" Sheen exclaimed.

Carl's sobs began to fade, and his face wrinkled in confusion. "Who's George?"

"The guy at Mime World."

"Guys, this isn't helping!" Jimmy turned to Cindy. "What should we do?"

"Find Libby and smack her a few times. Maybe her vocal chords came loose after Ultrafreak practically shook her to death."

Sheen raised both hands to flatten his nonexistent eyebrows. "She liked it."

"Oh, shut up! What is wrong with you? You're normally creepy, but this is over-the-top!"

"You're one to talk, Miss I-yell-at-everyone-else-but-me-yet-I-just-made-out-with-Jimmy-and-that's-just-weird-even-for-me-since-I'm-such-a-stuck-up-annoying-blonde-girl-who-thinks-I'm-smarter-than-everyone-else-and-I-think-Sheen's-weird-because-he-plays-with-a-doll-which-is-really-an-action-figure-so-this-just-proves-I'm-not-as-smart-as-I-really-say-I-am."

No one spoke. A pin could be heard if it was dropped. A small child's minute sneeze would have been noticed in this type of eerie silence. A mouse eating a crumb would have rang loud and clear like bells tolling from the highest tower. Cindy finally broke the silence. "You are a true idiot, you know that?"

Sheen bowed. Carl looked down to examine the stain on his pants. "Guys, can I go home and change?"

Jimmy and Cindy exchanged looks. "Let me just kiss Cindy again, and you can go."

"You want us to watch?" Sheen asked, leaning closer to the pair.

"Ah, what the heck! Bring it on, Jimmy!" Cindy exclaimed as her arms flew open to accept him.

"Noooooo!" Carl screamed.

Then everyone died. The end.

Great story, huh? I put about 17 min. in writing this and about 24-37 min. doing something else. Leave a review because I told you so. I WILL CRY IF YOU DON'T REVIEW. DO IT NOW. CLICK THE EFFING BUTTON AND REVIEW! REVIEEEEEEEEEW, MORONS! With all my hate, ME.


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